Divorce proceedings with young children require careful thought about how the children’s lives will change once the process is over. The arrangements the parents settle on will shape the children’s lives for years after the divorce itself.
To limit the harm children may suffer when their parents divorce, and to make the separation easier for them, it is worth consulting professionals who work in child mental health. Whatever you decide, keep one rule in mind: children should not be dragged into their parents’ divorce, and they should be kept out of the conflict as much as possible. Parents who pull children into the fight and turn them against the other parent cause real damage, sometimes worse than the divorce itself.
In this article we look at how a divorce with young children affects the children, offer suggestions on how to tell them about the divorce, and discuss how to create an atmosphere that makes the separation easier for them.
Divorce proceedings with children – how do you tell the children?
One of the hardest dilemmas facing every divorcing couple is how to tell the children that their parents are separating. The way you break the news will have a major effect on how the children cope with everything that follows.
Before the divorce process begins, the two of you should agree between yourselves exactly what to tell the children, how to say it, and when. If you are not sure of the best way, a child psychologist can help. A divorce lawyer in Jerusalem or anywhere else who is guiding you through the process has seen many families go through this and can advise you as well.
Try to make it as easy as possible for the children. Explain the process openly, describe what family life will look like after the divorce, and reassure them that they will keep a close relationship with both mom and dad.
Divorce proceedings with children – try to reach agreements early
A divorce with children requires agreements on many fronts. Some concern only the parents, but a large share of them concern the children.
Try to reach understandings about the children’s upbringing, parenting time, and custody arrangements. When you pursue divorce by mutual consent, every issue you settle in advance saves time, money, and bad feelings, spares the children alienation from either parent, and lets everyone get through the process in a healthier, easier way.
When you divorce with older children, their personalities are already largely formed. You have chosen their schools, and they have their own routines and friends. Divorcing with young children is different.
When the children are small, you still have many years of shared parenting ahead of you. From now on the children’s lives will run between two homes, which will affect their education and their emotional development. If you can build working agreements on raising them together, you can give them a sense of security and stability despite the separation.
Child custody concerns every couple divorcing with young children in Israel. If you are weighing joint custody against a single custodial parent, it is worth sharing the question with your children, listening to what they want, and taking it into account where possible. Whatever parenting-time arrangement you choose, settle on long-term arrangements as well, so the children have a stable framework and are not exposed to constant changes and upheaval.
Divorce proceedings with children – the children’s well-being matters after the divorce too
Any divorce can leave bad blood between the spouses, both during the process and after it. Do not use the children to score points against your former spouse or turn them against him or her. Outwardly, at least, keep relations as civil as you can. It pays to put the past behind you and focus on the future for the children’s sake, and that means preserving some framework of family life even after the divorce. Keep having family meals, especially on holidays, take trips or outings together where you can, and let the children grow up without emotional scars that could follow them into adulthood.
Divorce proceedings with children – consider mediation
Mediation is recommended before the divorce, but turning to a mediator after the divorce can be just as valuable.
When a divorce agreement is signed, the aim is usually to resolve the issues burning at that moment. Few agreements manage to anticipate the situations that will arise years down the road and can trigger serious crises. Post-divorce mediation helps parents find practical ways to overcome problems in raising their children together, without sliding into disputes, and to stay on good terms for the children’s sake.
If you fail to cooperate after the divorce, the children will pay the price. Conflicts between divorced parents often sabotage steps that would have benefited the children. A professional mediation process can prevent that.
To sum up divorce with young children: keep the children in mind at every step
In any divorce involving young children, weigh every consequence the divorce may have for them. Prepare the children for the process, take their views into account in decisions that affect them directly, and create a calm atmosphere that lets them absorb the changes during and after the process. At every stage and at every age, watch the children’s behavior and reactions, talk with them openly and honestly about what they are going through, and keep their family environment warm and stable.
